The World is My Oyster. The Oyster is My World.

A Dozen Fine Gulf Oysters
(It's not my fault the shucker can't count!)
 

"The time has come," the Walrus said,

To talk of many things:

Of shoes - and ships - and sealing wax -
Of cabbages and kings."

With the new Mississippi state flag finally approved and flying, my preoccupation with vexillology must sadly and fortunately come to an end. I'm cool with this, because I can go back to writing about books and food, both of which I find more filling. And at some point -- there being no time like the present -- I'm going to have to extol the virtues of another favorite food, oysters! So that's what I'm going to do! There will be other days to explore the strangeness of Mississippi politics and Southern Culture.

Like two other favorite foods I've belabored on this blog -- grits and okra -- oysters have lovers and haters. Oyster lovers think these noble mollusks are among the finest victuals Mother Nature has bestowed upon us. Oyster haters think oysters are slimy, bottom-feeding disease vectors. And they're right. Oysters are slimy, bottom-feeding disease vectors. So are a lot of lawyers. but oysters taste better and cost less. Sue me!

In fact, the noble filter-feeding oyster is a vital link in estuarine ecology. A single adult oyster is said to be able to filter 50 gallons of seawater a day, converting nutrients into tasty oyster and depositing - how do I put this nicely? - the other junk on the bottom. It's claimed that hard-working oysters are capable of filtering the all the water in Chesapeake Bay in a week!

That's a pretty big gig for slimy, bottom-feeding disease vectors that don't have brains! But wait! There's a moral lesson here: If oysters can clean up all the water in Chesapeake Bay in a week without brains, what's holding up Congress from passing healthcare reform, I mean, really?

A third category of oyster abstainers is reserved for Jewish and Muslim folks who follow traditional dietary guidelines. Basically, both kosher and halal define oysters as slimy, bottom-feeding disease vectors. Fortunately, I was raised Protestant, and there are no lawyers in my family except for a first cousin I haven't seen in years. Out of respect for my Jewish & Muslim friends, I won't harp on the notion that denying bacon, oysters, and shrimp for religious reasons is probably why there's so much strife in the Middle east, but then again, I guess I just did! 

"Dear Friends: Let's Eat!"

"Now if you're ready, oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."

Oysters can be served "fried, stewed, or nude." They're also delicious grilled with or without yummy additives like spinach, parmesan, or barbecue sauce. Personally, I prefer them on the half shell (raw) with some cocktail sauce, horseradish, and a smidgen of Tabasco. I like mine with a cold beer, but Barq's Root Beer works fine, too.

Of course, if you fall into the "oysters are vectors of disease" camp, raw oysters are probably already making you shudder. Great, lightweight. If I add that the very freshest raw oyster is still alive when you douse it with Tabasco, you're probably heading to buy a ticket on the next train to Veganville, too. Sayonara! "That much more for the home folks."

Truthfully, eating raw oysters is - or should be considered - a luxury enjoyed by people who live near the ocean. Use your own discretion, but I don't eat oysters at any location more than a few hours away from salt water. Sure, we live in an age of refrigerated trucks and cheap ice, but still...

There's an old adage, "Eat oysters only in months with an 'R' in them." This dates from the old pre-refrigeration days when oysters simply weren't going to transport well in warm weather. (If you happen to be a damyankee or a hillbilly, go ahead and look at the calendar. The old rule defines oyster weather as September through April.) Those days are gone, but the truth is the finest-tasting oysters are harvested in December, January, and February.

Trust me on that. I'm a scientist, and I know.